This is how I ramble

I could kill for a cucumber sandwich!

missmardon — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 10:15:45 -0500

I long for cucumber sandwiches on pre-sliced, Braces bread. But alas, I have the misfortune of living with my mother who take offence if I want to eat anything that isn’t home baked! BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE PROPER CUCUMBER SANDWICHES FROM HER BREAD! I want the crusts cut off and the sandwiches cut into 4 little triangles. Perfection, you see =)

The only thing I really wish for in life is to find love. Everything else is just scenery.

missmardon — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 17:34:00 -0500

"Little sheep, little sheep There’s simply no avoiding it You’re all destined for the..."

missmardon — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 17:06:23 -0500

“Little sheep, little sheep
There’s simply no avoiding it
You’re all destined for the slaughterhouse
Maybe one of you could dress in a crows feathers and fly away
But none of you are that smart, are you?
One of you says run and the rest will follow
Don’t you see that cliff in front of you?
The strong of you will meet the end in an orderly fashion
The weak of you will expire where you fall
But you will all, in one way or another be left for the crows
Now don’t you wish you’d taken those feathers?”

- Little sheep, little sheep - By me

Ok, so I’m a little bitter. But he likes his girls plain, predictable, without risk of embarrassment and quirk free. He likes them to be exactly like the rest and that is boring. He likes himself a city sheep that follows the orders of the rest. Of course I’m bitter, I’ll never be that way.

God I'm lonely

missmardon — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:28:01 -0500

I know I seem pathetic. In life I’m not, I get on with it. But this is a blog and what are blogs for? Personal thoughts, so get over it. I’m fucking lonely. I wish I wasn’t but I truly am. I want to hide away until the next day that’s scheduled to be a really good day.

How do you fix loneliness without having to be with someone?

My corset is too big for me now. So ebay it is!

missmardon — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 08:04:44 -0500

My corset is too big for me now. So ebay it is!

So I went and did something stupid

missmardon — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 18:19:00 -0500

I’ve put myself back into the ‘anorexia’ state of mind. The annoying thing is I like it. It’s comfortable. But I have to keep logical about it or I will end up in hospital because I have an obsessive personality. I recently went through quite a horrible medical ordeal that left me stressed and ill so I naturally lost about a stone very quickly. I went from a 27.5 inch waist to a 24 inch waist in under 2 months with absolutely no effort, other than I’d lost my appetite. Then I started to eat again and my waist is 25 inches. My appetite is still very low but I seem to be settled on 25. However, I have just checked the size guides and I am not happy. Last year, size 6 was a 22 inch waist, 8 was a 24 inch waist, 10 was 26 and 12 as 28. Now the size has gone up. 24 is a 6, 8 is 26 and so on. So by all accounts I should be happy being between a 6 and an 8, but I know I would have been between an 8 and 10 a year ago. Which makes me very unhappy. Now I have to ration my food and do more exercise if I’m going to be last years 6 or between 6 and 8. I’m pissed off, I really am. I don’t feel good, it makes me feel fat. I don’t want your sympathy sizes. Keep them there and keep them constant, bitch. Don’t change it up because the world is getting fatter. I would have been FINE had the sizes stayed the same but now I can’t quite feel comfortable until I am LAST YEARS 6. 22 inches? It shouldn’t take long.

I can't just work through the bad things....

missmardon — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:43:54 -0500

The reason it’s so hard for to me to move on is because there were so many good things too. They just got trampled on regularly enough for it to all seem bad. But really, I don’t fall in love with just anybody. There are reasons why he was the only person I’ve ever pictured myself standing at an alter in a white dress with. I’ll write one of them down here and more as I feel the need to.

First time I met him off the train, he came to see me for 4 days. It wasn’t long enough. I went to meet him in my duffel coat, a tiny skirt and my wellies. It was supposed to be the skirt, a halter top and my favourite heels but it was raining so heavily that heels were just impractical. I waited at the station for about 20 minutes feeling surprisingly cold for June. The train pulled in to the station and off came hundreds of people, and there at the end he was walking towards me in a shirt and a jacket. His face dressed with a crooked smile and sparkling eyes. It was the first time I’d seen him in a few years and if my heart could have had it’s way it would have leapt out of my mouth and into his hands for safe keeping. I walked to him, getting faster as I got closer, he laughed at how cute I was in my wellies, and I’d planned on kissing him right away but I couldn’t. I threw my arms around him, buried my face into the collar of his jacket, the way he smelled was like a draw string on my body, pulling on my arms to make them tighter. I couldn’t let go of him. I felt at home with him around me and my heart suddenly seemed a little more at ease with us having connected. I guess that was the moment I was truly in trouble. I felt so at home and that never changed. His arms, his smell, his skin, his hands, his breath…. That is home to me. What a horrible realisation.

If I can’t hold on to a scarf in the breeze, how can I...

missmardon — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:16:28 -0500

If I can’t hold on to a scarf in the breeze, how can I expect to hold on to you?

A shooting star can’t help you under Cassiopeia’s...

missmardon — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 11:08:00 -0500

A shooting star can’t help you under Cassiopeia’s breathtaking, beautiful, selfish and narcissistic twinkling when you’ve already been stabbed in the back and left hanging. But it will lull you into a false sense of security.

Working through... What do I deserve?

missmardon — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 08:03:25 -0500

Someone who likes my smile, not just my face. Someone who feels an emotional (as well as physical) arousal when the light hits my body in the right way and feels the urgent need to be deep inside me because he can think of nothing but me. Not just someone who sees my body, gets a hard on and wants to blow his load to lesser the frustration so that he can carry on smoking and watching TV shows he’s downloaded. Someone who listens when I talk because I have interesting things to say. Someone who doesn’t try to control the things I say. Someone who, when I turn my back to him, feels like his heart is reaching an imaginary arm out to me, breaking through his ribs and ripping his skin because it wants to see my face. Someone who smiles when I pick up a grasshopper with a bad leg and kiss it better. Someone who likes that I won’t kill the spiders in the house and if they’re in the bath, I’ll pick them up and put them on a plant. If it’s too cold outside, I’ll let them stay indoors. Someone who glows when he hears my voice. Someone who makes me a cup of tea and kisses me when he gives it to me. Someone who holds me when I need it without asking. There are clear signs. Someone who doesn’t keep poking at an issue if it’s making me unhappy. Someone who loves the way I cry when I’m happy. Someone who appreciates me. I just want to be appreciated for the little things. I want to be important to someone, and have them not want to let me go. I deserve that.

"At first glance it seems as though there is nothing Emptiness, coldness, an endless abyss Darkness..."

missmardon — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 13:06:16 -0500

“At first glance it seems as though there is nothing
Emptiness, coldness, an endless abyss
Darkness so thick I don’t know how anything can exist
But I wait a while, adjust, be patient and have faith
Believe in the potential for there to be life
Life out there, else where and within myself
Myself, where life was but has gone
I open my eyes to everything that could be
And then as though the aching within me would burst
Just like the beginnings of our universe
The darkness is thrown with streaks of colour
Tiny dots of light next to glassy curves and dusty waves
Shooting stars that carry the wishes of lonely children
Racing with them nimbly across the twisted space
And Suddenly the emptiness is filled with illumination
Swirls of glowing debris behind ancient constellations
There is no such thing as emptiness
There is no end, no beginning, no consummate or definite
Nothing in this universe can be absolute or final
And so I hold on to the void within my body
With love and hope and the euphoric knowledge
That here, at least, I know that life is possible”

- Cassiopeia by me

A very personal poem written at a very dark time

I've just had an idea

missmardon — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 09:20:34 -0500

For all the little sketches and unfinished things I’ve drawn. Well, all the ones that show how lonely I am, which is most of them. I am going to cut them out and put them all onto a backing board, and maybe frame them. Then I don’t know, but I’ll have them in a frame.

If you could be a fly on the wall

missmardon — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:24:00 -0500

IF YOU COULD BE A FLY ON THE WALL

Whose wall would you choose?

I am selfish. I would choose the wall of the man who turned my life upside down for 6 months. I want to be there for a week or two. I want to know if he sits there staring at the bottom right of a Facebook page hoping my little chat box will pop up. Or if he’s got me there ready but minimized and is praying to a God he doesn’t believe in that it will turn blue and make that little half ping half boing noise that Facebook chat does when you have a new message. I want to know if he regrets how he’s treated me, if he misses, so that I know if he’s worth putting up a fight for.

What I would truly love, though, would be for him to be the fly on my wall. It doesn’t need to be for a week, or even a day. Just a few hours. He would know with just a few hours exactly how much I love him, how much I’m willing to give up, how much I’m worth and how he should do everything possible to keep hold of what would be the warmest love and most honest devotion he’d ever see, let alone experience.

Unfortunately for me neither are possible. So it’s just a ‘get over him’ situation. Ennit grand? I’m not worried, I’m a catch. I will find the kind of love I want to give at some point. But it doesn’t stop these life lessons from hurting.

What do I need to do for you to see me as 'socially acceptable'?

missmardon — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 10:44:14 -0500

Do I need to cover my body in fake tan? My face in a thick pancake of foundation? Do my nails have to be perfectly manicured? Should I spend loads of money on making sure my hair is always perfect? Should I waste hours on my appearance every day? Should I spend money I don’t have on regularly updating my wardrobe? Should I waste £50 a month on a gym membership when I could work off the calories for free? Should I starve myself? Should I copy how your sheepishly similar folk speak? Should I be seen and not heard? I know you think I’m pretty but I let you down as soon as I open my mouth. Should I thwack a hammer on the parts of my personality that make me unique? I know there are many. Should I stop caring about the things I care about? Should I stop caring altogether? Should I take it when your friends call me names? Should I walk a certain way? Should I smile a certain way? Should I stop smiling? Should I wear clothes that show me off? Should I be your trophy? Should I spend my money only on you? Should I keep my mouth shut in public? Should I restrain the way my body moves when I’m happy? Should I contain the way my heart races when I’m nervous? Should I shut myself off when you ask me not to embarrass you? Should I stop whatever it is I’m doing that embarrasses you? Should I stop having fun because it shows you up? Should I not dance if I want to because I might make you look like a fool? I know how it reflects on you. Why would you be with someone who would choose to have fun regardless?

OR!! Should I ignore the things you’ve said about me, put back the things I’ve tried to change for you, not have a care in the world about whether I embarrass you, understand that the only problem your friends have is not with me but with their own inability to let the fuck go of ‘socially acceptable behaviour’ and hold my head high like the proud woman I grew up to be?

Freewrite explanation

missmardon — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 09:55:00 -0500

Freewrite is a big part of how I get things off my chest. Let me explain what a Freewrite is. It isn’t supposed to make any linguistic sense unless sense is what words fall out. You have a thought, write a word and if when you’ve finished on that word you’ve started a new thought, you don’t go back to the original thought to write the word that followed, you write what word on the new thought you are on instead. So no, it doesn’t usually make any sense. Especially if like me you think at a million miles an hour.

So, when I have freewrite blogs, don’t expect riveting excellence in structure and substance. It’s probably going to go nowhere. Although sometimes I do have the good fortune of finding sense in them. Usually when I’m tired and ideas drop gently like feathers and not like golf ball sized hail stones.

Tonight's idea of the top 5 must see horror films that sum up all horror films

missmardon — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:38:00 -0500

The exorcism of Emily Rose: I could have chosen ‘The Exorcist’ but other than a the fact a 12 year old girl in a thick green mask violently violated herself with a crucifix, there wasn’t that much about it that was entertaining. The exorcism of Emily Rose on the other hand was an excellent film to dig right to the core of religious fear. Not only because of the girl being broken, body and soul by a God loathing demon, but because of the accusation that a priest had been hurting her. This point further driven in by the fact that the priest could not help her and God did not win.
Nightmare on Elm Street: Bad dreams. You can ignore everything when you’re awake but you can’t when you fall asleep. I hate the dreams where I feel like they’re so real that when I wake up I hurt, I feel sad and my body is physically in pain. Dreams so bad that they haunt you. Imagine Freddie Kruger though…. How long could you last without sleeping? 11 days is fatal so no matter what you’re going to die anyway.
28 days later: Scariest film I’ve ever seen and the only films that I’ll watch over and over and feel uncomfortable every time. The vast expanse of loneliness and then all of a sudden you have enraged used-to-be-humans chasing you. That virus is a huge fear of mine. Seriously now…. That film scares the shit out of me.
Silence of the lambs: Psychologically excellent. Getting into the mind of a serial killer. The first real exploration of criminal psychology to be captured on a screen for our pleasure and I’m so glad. Not being able to understand the mind of a murderer is a scary thought for most people - it is better to prevent these things after all. But knowing how a killer thinks? Surely that’s far more terrifying.
Saw: I’ll be honest, yeh? I remember the plot and the gore and whatnot, but not the details of the film. I do remember the effect it had on me, which it left with me for a little while after. And that’s what I’m going by. It’s the bloody bit of the top 5.

Think good

missmardon — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:04:00 -0500

This is simply a list of everything about myself that I should consider to be a positive. Nothing negative, only positive. From small and insignificant to possibly life changing epiphanies. Who knows where I’ll go with it, but I should love me and a list is where I start!

Some of these things are uncomfortable for me to write because they’re things that people have said about me that I haven’t said about myself. But everything needs to go down.

I’m a really strong under water swimmer.
I love and am good at climbing trees and rocks.
I don’t get scared in the dark.
I don’t judge strangers on sight (mostly).
I am not afraid of a hard days slog.
I love mud.
I love guns and am an excellent shot.
I love nature but understand the balance between nature and my dinner.
I love science for it’s constantly changing but never implausible answers.
I am extremely passionate.
I am (recently) very in touch with my emotions.
I can compartmentalise my emotions and be entirely logical in times where it’s needed.
There is no job below me.
I love whole heartedly and am completely unwavering.
I will do anything for anyone for nothing as long as they don’t take advantage.
I am very clever on an intuitive level.
I am clever also on an academic level.
I have a good and unexpected sense of humour.
I am more beautiful on the inside than I am on the outside.
But I am beautiful on the outside too.
I love most types of music - I love all music with the right company.
I love rom-coms, drama, romance, comedy, thriller, horror, action, political, historical and informative movies.
I will forgive anyone if they give me the chance to forgive them, no matter how bad their offence.
I understand nature better than most people (who don’t work on farms).
I can read the sea like literature.
I feel the change of seasons before anyone else I’ve ever known.
I can hear waking insects underneath tree bark in spring.
I can smell mushrooms and pinpoint their location.
I love all living creatures.
I love spiders, we have an understanding and a special bond.
I love snakes and understand their language.
I know the wildlife in my country and how to look after them if they need it.
I will talk to anything that I feel like because it makes me happy. Be it a dog, a spider, a duck, an elephant or a tree.
I can sing the song of a Robin, Wren and Dunnock.
I’ve got a particular way with vermin.
I am pretty skilled at training dogs.
I can read what a person is feeling 9 times out of 10.
I can still think like a kid.
I have an unparalleled imagination.
I am not squeamish.
I rock the city heels, sparkles and glamour as well as the country wellies, mud and duffle coat.
I am extremely honest. I consider this a good thing.
I make a point of making people feel good.
I love the smaller things in life. Without the small things, what’s the point in the big things?
I appreciate the stars.
I am eclectic not only in music and movies, but in life in general.
I am fascinated by the human condition.
I am fascinated by the weird and wonderful ways of the planet.
I would give my own life before the life of a critically endangered animal.
I love words like no one I’ve ever met loves words and in the most peculiar way.
I don’t care about what people think about me - but I do care about WHY some people deem me as (socially) unacceptable.
When I’m sure, I’m determined and nothing can stop me.
I want to know the answers.
I would dive into flowing lava for the people I love.
I love all the weathers.
I have a ridiculously good memory for the tiniest details.
When I’m unhappy I can still see the potential for happiness, so I’m never truly unhappy.
Give me a yard and I’ll give you a mile. Use it wisely.
I am stronger than I look both physically and mentally.
I am trustworthy.